ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
