god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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