I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
