OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
