Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
