Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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