not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
