Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
