my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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