do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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