i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
