just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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