your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
