Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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