You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
