Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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