I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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