so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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