we're chasing vodka with high fives
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
