There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
