i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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