I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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