I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize