I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
