Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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