Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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