i was born a porn star she said
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
