I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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