there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
