Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
