I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
