I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
