Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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