ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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