I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize