He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
