Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
