is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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