My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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