Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
