Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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