My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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