I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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