I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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