I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
