I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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