Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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