I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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