I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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