Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
