I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
