my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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