Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
