You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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