Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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