that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
