Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
