I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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