Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
