Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
